my conversion story - part 3

This happened during the summer. Almost all my beliefs were already Catholic, and I was slowly discovering more and more about the Church. Up to this point, I really struggled with devotion to the Blessed Virgin Mary. I was afraid of idolatry but I also felt a strange dislike for her (I'm still not sure why, and I know although Protestants don't see Mary as Catholics do, they don't generally feel this hatred for her that I had). I begged God to change me and to show me more about her, because it was wrong to feel this way about His Mother. And He did answer this prayer.. I began loving Mary and even began asking her for prayers. I asked her to lead me to where Jesus wants me to be; the Catholic or the Orthodox church. I don't know how I realized this, and I don't (and can't) deserve it, but one day it came to me that Mary was always praying for me all my life and it was because of her prayers that I was baptized, and later came to faith. I'm very grateful that we have such a loving Mother in Heaven.

I also began believing in the intercession of Saints. This happened in a really curious way. I guess God knew that I needed a miracle! I was so resistant. In fact...the reason I believe it was God who made me Catholic, is because I was so resistant to this whole idea. Only He could have changed me. Many times, I didn't even want to be Catholic.. especially in the beginning. I felt so much fear about telling people, and I almost couldn't believe any of this was *really* happening! I remember one time I was on the bus, and realized that yes, one day I WILL in fact be Catholic. This realization felt so obvious. And all at once, I experienced intense fear, but also lots of joy, and this surprised me.

One day I got a book called "Story of a Soul" by St Therese of Lisieux. This is an amazing book!!! I never encountered such innocence and purity of heart in anyone as in this Saint. I quickly became devoted to her. But..there was one problem. I didn't believe that the Saints could hear us when we asked them for prayers. This was the only really remaining "Protestant" thing about me. I thought Mary could hear us, but they couldn't. I read that the early Church had believed this, but I still wasn’t convinced. I found out about a novena to St Therese (novena is a 9 day prayer). Before she died, she said that she will "send down a shower of roses" (meaning favours) from Heaven, and that she will spend her Heaven doing good on earth. Many people who asked her for prayers, were given actual roses as a sign of her intercession. I was extremely skeptical. I didn't expect anything. But..I said the novena anyway, and RIGHT WHEN I said it, I looked up and saw a whole vase full of pink roses right in front of me!!. I was shocked. It turned out my mom put them there. When I asked her why, she said, she just 'felt like it'. :) This sort of thing continued over the next few days or so. Right after saying the novena, I'd receive roses in the most interesting and obvious ways. For example, one time, before Mass, I looked up after saying the prayer and at that moment a little girl walked in front of me, and her dress was made of a fabric with lots of big red roses printed on it. Then, when I went for a dentist check up one day, I said the novena in the car.. and when I came into the office and sat down, I turned and saw a kleenex box (!!!) with pictures of roses on it, and it said "la petite rose". Well.. St Therese is called "the little flower", and she was French!!! eventually this stopped happening cause I think God wanted me to rely on faith. But I believe this "little miracle" took place to help me believe in the intercession of Saints.. that we really are surrounded by "the cloud of witnesses", and they love us and are praying for us. :) they are our friends in Heaven. We're all one in Christ and united by the Holy Spirit...it is the Spirit that makes this intercession possible. Asking them for prayers is a lot like asking our friends here on earth! I'm so grateful to St Therese for her prayers, and I know they've helped me so much.

As all this was happening, I felt more and more sure about my conversion. When I went to the Orthodox church, I had nothing against it, but I missed everything that I had found in the RCC. I wasn't running away from anything.. I liked Orthodoxy.. it was more like I was coming home to something else. I didn't see it as me "leaving the Orthodox church", but going from imperfect to perfect communion with the Catholic Church and the Pope.

Then, I started experiencing trials and tests of my faith. I see now that God was using them to help me grow..but I didn't know it at the time, I seriously thought something was wrong! I no longer felt anything during Mass or Adoration. Prayer and even my Spiritual Communions felt really dry (but I do not doubt that they were all real. God is there even when we can't feel Him). I also started getting lots of opposition to my conversion. Sometimes I wondered if God had abandoned me. I went through fear and doubt. Often I had to force myself to go to Mass, and felt like going back to my old churches, but I'm glad God didn't let me give up. The only thing that sustained me was God's grace and the prayers of my friends and our Blessed Mother, and the Saints. Sometimes I was even sure I was being spiritually attacked by the enemy. However, I know this too was God's will, because it taught me to not rely on my feelings so much. I've always been reliant on how I feel, but especially until this point. I often sought consolations from God. These trials showed me that it's a much better thing to learn to trust Him in spite of feelings and that our prayers are very pleasing to God when it's difficult for us to pray and we're not receiving any consolations, but choose to pray anyway! Love is a choice, not an emotion. Love is self giving. I began to learn about the value of suffering and how it can sanctify us if we offer it to God. I'm still learning, btw! ;)

In August, I contacted the priest of the Catholic parish I attended, and asked how I can become Catholic. He said I wouldn't need RCIA, cause I was already baptized and confirmed, and that I would only need to make a profession of faith, go to Confession, and take Communion. I will be doing this on Easter. I’m very excited to finally be able to receive the Eucharist in the Church! :D I also feel that I am coming Home.

During the past few months I continued to struggle with doubt and fear, but when I turned to God He would always give me peace. Some of my doubt was caused by my own distrust. And anyway, all the tests and struggles sort of prove to me that God was behind my conversion... cause whenever God tries to do something, the devil is always trying to stop it from happening. Recently, I finally stopped experiencing these doubts to a degree, and I think this is because I became more devoted to Our Lady. She has been helping me so much and I believe it is she who lead me to the Catholic Church.

Even though I'm still coming across obstacles, I have this deep confidence and peace in me that I'm meant to be Catholic. I asked God many times that He would take this away if it's not from Him. I can sincerely say that I tried to be open to Him, and now I trust that He'll bring me to the end of my journey and I'll be received into the Church on Easter. After this, I hope to grow as a Catholic and continue learning to love God with all my heart, as I wanted to ever since I became a Christian. The Church offers so many great ways for any person to grow in holiness :) after all it has produced Saints! I also hope to explore more of the Church by going to Latin Mass, and Divine Liturgy of the Eastern rites. I am ending one journey but beginning another, and I feel I still have so far yet to go. Until the day we enter into eternity, we are "working out our salvation with fear and trembling".

I like the Orthodox church and respect it a lot. I think its liturgy is beautiful and it contains much truth. If I wasn't becoming Catholic, I'd be happy to be Orthodox. However if I was to be Orthodox now, it wouldn't be out of a sense of obedience to God.

Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, and He gave Himself to the Church... and I believe that the truth lies in its fullness in Catholicism. This has been confirmed to me not only by my experience (which I tried to explain here), but also by all the research I’ve done on the Bible and Church history. St Peter is the 'rock' upon which the Church is built, and the Pope is his successor. This doesn’t mean the Church is perfect, of course it is made up of imperfect people and has a human element to it. But although the devil is trying to destroy it, it is still standing strong, and the "gates of hell will not overcome it", as Christ promised. I believe that all its doctrines are correct and contain no error. This is what matters most of all; what the truth is. It might seem like a huge statement - to say that the Church teaches no error - but I do believe that God protects it by His grace.

When I look back on my life so far, I see that God has always been with me, even before I knew Him. He was guiding me along this path of grace, often without me realizing it, and He has always been very merciful to me, though I am a sinner. I don't know why He chose to reveal Himself to me in these ways, and I feel unworthy of this, but I hope that this Easter, He will lead me home safely to His Catholic Church. I pray that His will would be done.

Thanks so much for reading! God bless you!! :)

"Let all my desires, even the holiest, noblest and most beautiful, take always the last place and Your holy will, the very first." (St Faustina)












UPDATE

since writing this blog post, i have become Catholic on Easter Vigil 2009 :)
i'm so thankful to God for guiding me here, it has been incredible receiving the Eucharist and i'm so excited to finally be in the Catholic Church! i'm looking forward to growing in my faith and learning more about it. last winter when i started this journey, i had no idea that God had all these plans!! His ways are truly NOT like our ways and He knows exactly what we need...He always guides us according to His will if we are willing to follow, even a little bit.

each Christian has something unique they love about their faith, and for me that would have to be the Eucharist. it's awesome and unbelievable how Jesus unites Himself to us in this Sacrament. i heard it described as the "Sacrament of Love" and it truly is that... this is what i've always wanted as a Christian, i just didn't know i'd have to find it in the Catholic Church! i've also gotten to know our Blessed Mother better over these last few months, and i'm SO thankful that God gave us such a wonderful loving Mother...she deserves our love and devotion. what i also love about the Church is the Sacrament of Reconciliation. the first time i went, i was so nervous cause i had a lifetime of sin to confess. But afterwards, it was like a HUGE burden was finally lifted off my shoulders, and i felt so free, and clean inside. what a gift! God's mercy is truly endless and made manifest in a special way in Confession. Thank You Jesus for leading me to Your holy Church!