my conversion story - part 2

Then one day, I discovered a book called "Divine Mercy in My Soul" by St Faustina. I didn't care very much that it was Catholic. Something just drew me to it. I found out about the Divine Mercy chaplet and started praying it. Every time I prayed it, I felt such amazing peace. One time, I prayed it for my grandma who was in a hospital halfway across the world. The doctor sounded very skeptical on the phone and said she wouldn't make it past the night. I was praying the chaplet and some other people were praying too. In the morning, I found out that not only was she better, and awake, but could also talk, and her temperature, blood pressure, etc, were normal! I was so surprised. My prayer was not even very good, I'm sure this happened only by God's mercy. I bought that book and started reading it. And then, something began happening to me. Sometimes I'd be reading it and suddenly, I'd feel so much joy in my soul, and peace, and a deep sense of "rightness". It wasn’t just an emotion. I decided it's a grace. More than anything, it changed me. I felt like Jesus was speaking to my own soul when I read His words to St Faustina: "I am Love and Mercy itself.. My Heart overflows with great mercy for souls, and especially for poor sinners".. "Tell Me all, My child, hide nothing from Me, because My loving Heart, the Heart of your Best Friend, is listening to you". I felt called to trust in God more than I have ever before. I believe St Faustina was praying for me. One of the main messages of this book is that we should trust in God's mercy. Somehow, inside I knew God wanted me to go to confession for all my sins, and I felt a deep heaviness in my soul. But..I didn't know where to go, cause I wasn't Orthodox or Catholic, I still didn't know what I was.

I began to devote some of my time to researching. I wanted to find the truth, and prayed every day that I wouldn't be deceived. I read the Bible and realized how Biblical Catholicism really is.. I never thought it would be. Eventually, my beliefs started changing. This wasn't really the result of my studying, rather it was the result of prayer. The knowledge helped, but all it really did was confirm what I was experiencing in my soul. I realized that what I read in the Catholic Catechism, it made sense. The Papacy started making sense. The Immaculate Conception. Apostolic Succession. Purgatory. Ideas I never thought important became essential.

I began practicing some Catholic devotions and realized that instead of losing my relationship with God (as I once thought I would), it grew. God was giving me grace through everything I was learning. I don't really know how this happened, but nonetheless that's what God did. By this grace, I started caring about holiness - something I never thought much about, as a new Christian.. I wanted to live for God and sin less. I realized that I had largely ignored sin up to that point, and saw a little more clearly the state of my soul. For the first time, I began to feel drawn to things like reverence, humility, and penance. I don't really understand why God gave me this desire to live entirely for Him when He knows I'm unable to achieve it right now, and sees all the mistakes I make on a day to day basis, but I'm so glad He did, and maybe this was to humble me in a way.

I also read about the Saints and felt amazed at their love for God; I wanted to be more like them, and saw how much further I still need to go! I was still very confused but I also felt happy. When I went to the Orthodox church, I began liking it too, and I saw how it was never "dry and ritualistic"..I just wasn't ready for liturgy before. I started being more open to the possibility of being Orthodox after all. But I kept on praying, and my beliefs kept on changing to Catholic beliefs. Whenever this happened, I felt profound peace. One day I decided, I'm already Catholic in my heart!

My first Mass was the Easter Vigil Mass, and I loved it. It's funny, I already considered myself "Catholic", yet I had never been to a Mass till then! I see now that God had prepared me for it in advance, and drew me to traditional aspects of the faith so I could appreciate them more. I couldn't receive the Eucharist of course, so instead I got a blessing from the priest. And something really interesting happened when I got the blessing. I didn't expect anything at all. But all of a sudden it was as if I HAD received Communion. I felt the Lord inside my heart. I can't adequately describe this, but it felt like Jesus was embracing me in all His love and mercy. Later on, I found out about the Spiritual Communion prayer, and I think maybe that is what happened. God was giving me these consolations just to encourage me to keep going. He must have done this because He knows I can be very weak in faith - because of course when our faith is strong, we don't need any signs. I began going to Mass every week, and for the first 2 months or so this would always happen to me. I didn't seek it or expect it at all. The Saints, (for example St Teresa of Avila) warn us greatly to never seek any spiritual experiences. I'm just glad that the Eucharist is real. Spiritual Communion made me want to experience the real thing.

I finally saw how important the Eucharist is. Jesus is really physically present there, that it's not a "dead object" but really Him, although hidden...what amazing humility on His part! ...it is true that God is everywhere, but He is everywhere spiritually..Jesus is physically present only in two "places": Heaven, and the Eucharist. (He is one and the same in both). When we're at Mass, we're meeting Jesus in the same way that the Apostles had when He was on earth - except that He is risen from the dead and glorified!.

It's not mere bread and wine. When we receive the Eucharist, we become united with Him in a very real, powerful way. More so than through faith alone. We give ourselves to Him, as He gives Himself to us. It's like nothing else..it's such a gift. This is what I longed for and prayed for as a Christian, as a Protestant! And it's present in all Catholic churches. I began going to Adoration at my parish chapel (Adoration is silent prayer before the Eucharist). This helped me soo much!! I really recommend this to anyone, Catholic or non Catholic. The first time, I could barely stay for ten minutes, but the more I went, the better it got. At times, I felt so much love coming from Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament, more love than I've ever believed to be possible. I knew in my heart that Jesus was present there, present in a new and different way... It was like I had stumbled across a great secret, and wondered how I could have lived as a Christian without it for that long. All that time, He was hidden in the Tabernacle in the Catholic church down the street, and often all alone! The value of Adoration is just time being spent with Him - not so much about getting, or feeling anything, but just being there with Jesus. :) I read once that every hour we spend there makes our souls more beautiful for Heaven. The Saints were all so much devoted to it.

It also helped me find clarity of mind. My problems seemed so insignificant.. I began caring about God's will more, I asked to be surrendered to Him and for the only few times in my life, meant it. (surrender is something I'm definitely still working on though! ;)). He started teaching me how to love others more, and I saw that my own love had always been so small and so poor! One of the reasons I believe in Christ's real presence in the Eucharist is that a mere piece of bread can't change people, only God's grace can, and these times of Adoration changed me. I can only imagine what Communion is like!!! :D I can't wait to finally receive the Eucharist! I'm amazed that God changed me and my beliefs, despite myself, despite all my resistance and doubt.