I was baptized in the Eastern Orthodox Church as a child. I remember my visits there. I didn't understand very much back then, I was too young, perhaps, but I did like church. I loved the icons and candles and the whole atmosphere, it was like stepping back in time, and felt like a different world. Then in high school, I began to doubt Christianity and became an agnostic. I searched for the truth in the various religions and philosophies I was being taught. I also got into some things that were very dangerous for my soul. I felt an emptiness in my heart, but I filled it with sin. When I came to university, I came across a book by CS Lewis called Mere Christianity...and realized that this is what I've been looking for all my life. It was like discovering a new world. My eyes were finally opened. For the first time, Christianity made sense to me! I decided to pray more and to make efforts to go to church when my family did. I considered myself Orthodox.
Then, I got involved in a university campus movement called Campus for Christ. It's mostly evangelical Protestant. I joined a Bible study group, started going to the weekly meetings, and that's where I first 'encountered' God in a conscious way. I got to know Him as my Savior, Lord, and my very best Friend. I'll always be thankful for this time. Next to my baptism, it set the foundation for everything else that followed. Experiencing Christ's love, which I knew to be unconditional and endless, caused me to want to love Him back with all my heart. I almost couldn't believe that someone could love so much, as He does! I saw that "Vanity of vanities, and all is vanity, save to love God and serve Him only" (the Imitation). I understood that I am a sinner, but that my sins could be forgiven, because Jesus died for me. I met lots of people and made some good friends who are strong Christians. I started really liking praise and worship. I felt very happy that I had found a way to know God.
When I went to the Orthodox church, I never felt that way though. It just seemed so "dry and ritualistic" to me. I see now that I didn't fully understand it, maybe it just wasn’t the right time. Eventually I started going to a non denominational Protestant church on Sundays. I found myself agreeing with many things I was taught there, and realized my beliefs are mostly Protestant. Even though a part of me was still Orthodox and I considered my baptism valid, I somehow decided that Orthodox, and by extension, Catholics, don't really know God. I was especially against Catholicism for some reason, cause I thought they worship Mary, and I felt sorry for them. I sometimes "shared my faith" with them because I wanted them to also know about the Gospel.
I loved my non denom. church. It was so hard to leave. And I see now that God did use it. I really grew there, and probably I was supposed to be there at the time. I loved the praise and worship and the pastor. But eventually, I started feeling sort of nervous and didn't have that peace inside. I noticed that some Bible verses were being taken out of context or ignored, and wondered if Communion is actually not supposed to be a symbol, but actually Christ's Body and Blood. I felt anxiety about this whenever I read John 6 cause it seemed to be saying the opposite of what I was taught. I also worried why it seemed that symbolic Communion was a fairly new idea, and all the early Church Fathers and even Martin Luther had believed in the Real Presence. I came across this one website that really made me think: http://www.miraclerosarymission.org/lanciano.html I asked God to show me the truth, but I knew I wasn't open to it. I strongly believed I needed to stay Protestant.
One day, I was reading something online about the Mass being the holiest moment of our lives...that it's a participation in heavenly worship with all the angels and Saints, and a spiritual participation in Calvary. And instantly, I just knew that this is the truth! I can't describe it. It was such a moment of clarity. I knew right then that this was my answer, and that God didn't want me to go to my old church anymore. He wanted me to believe that Christ is fully, substantially - not just spiritually -present in Communion (the Eucharist). That the bread and wine are entirely transformed into His risen Body and Blood at the Consecration. I started crying at that point cause I felt that I wouldn't be able to 'have a relationship with Him' as a Catholic or Orthodox. This was a big misunderstanding I had. I felt like He was asking me to choose between my relationship with Him and the Eucharist, and that He wanted me to choose the Eucharist! I couldn't believe it. I struggled for a couple of weeks. But eventually, I just couldn't struggle anymore and the truth was too obvious. I gave in, and decided to leave my church. This experience had a lasting effect on my soul because ever since then, even though I've doubted everything else, God in His mercy kept me from doubting the Eucharist.
Last January, I went back to the Orthodox church, went to Confession, and took Communion. I decided to be a good Orthodox. I still had a lot of things to work out. The way I worshipped and my beliefs were still very much Protestant. I especially struggled with Apostolic Succession. This continued for several months.
I took out some books about Orthodoxy from my university library, started researching some topics that interested me. I figured I'd look up some Catholic sources too, in an effort to be more of a 'traditional Christian'. I was also interested in Catholicism because I had met some devout Catholics at the time, whose faith inspired me. I quickly realized that the 2 churches had differences. I had never been to a Catholic church and only read about the doctrines. I started wondering about the Papacy a lot but couldn't believe in any of it. Neither could I believe in Orthodoxy. One day I realized, I'm technically Orthodox, but in my heart, I'm ..nothing. Not Protestant, not Orthodox, not Catholic. I felt so lost. I was in this in-between place for several months, just researching. Sometimes I went to the Orthodox church and prayed there. One time I went to a local Catholic church for Stations of the Cross, but didn't like it, cause I felt at the time that tradition was 'unspiritual'. I still attended Campus for Christ, but didn't attend church on Sundays. The only thing that helped was the idea that no matter what, I should just keep on trusting God. I mostly kept my conversion hidden because I was not sure about it myself. But some of my friends who knew about my doubts encouraged me to not give up, and I felt God wanted me to be patient and trust that in His time, He will show His will more clearly. I was confused about theology and felt like I only knew Christ, nothing else, but sometimes I wondered if my understanding of Him was all wrong. I'm so glad He never left me.
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