my conversion story - part 1

I'm going to try and explain why I’m becoming Catholic. It's a little difficult to put it into words and I'll have to leave a lot out. I'm also sure that I'll forget many things. But I'll try my best ;) I'm writing this for God, to thank Him for everything He has done for me. This story belongs to Him, not to myself.

I was baptized in the Eastern Orthodox Church as a child. I remember my visits there. I didn't understand very much back then, I was too young, perhaps, but I did like church. I loved the icons and candles and the whole atmosphere, it was like stepping back in time, and felt like a different world. Then in high school, I began to doubt Christianity and became an agnostic. I searched for the truth in the various religions and philosophies I was being taught. I also got into some things that were very dangerous for my soul. I felt an emptiness in my heart, but I filled it with sin. When I came to university, I came across a book by CS Lewis called Mere Christianity...and realized that this is what I've been looking for all my life. It was like discovering a new world. My eyes were finally opened. For the first time, Christianity made sense to me! I decided to pray more and to make efforts to go to church when my family did. I considered myself Orthodox.

Then, I got involved in a university campus movement called Campus for Christ. It's mostly evangelical Protestant. I joined a Bible study group, started going to the weekly meetings, and that's where I first 'encountered' God in a conscious way. I got to know Him as my Savior, Lord, and my very best Friend. I'll always be thankful for this time. Next to my baptism, it set the foundation for everything else that followed. Experiencing Christ's love, which I knew to be unconditional and endless, caused me to want to love Him back with all my heart. I almost couldn't believe that someone could love so much, as He does! I saw that "Vanity of vanities, and all is vanity, save to love God and serve Him only" (the Imitation). I understood that I am a sinner, but that my sins could be forgiven, because Jesus died for me. I met lots of people and made some good friends who are strong Christians. I started really liking praise and worship. I felt very happy that I had found a way to know God.

When I went to the Orthodox church, I never felt that way though. It just seemed so "dry and ritualistic" to me. I see now that I didn't fully understand it, maybe it just wasn’t the right time. Eventually I started going to a non denominational Protestant church on Sundays. I found myself agreeing with many things I was taught there, and realized my beliefs are mostly Protestant. Even though a part of me was still Orthodox and I considered my baptism valid, I somehow decided that Orthodox, and by extension, Catholics, don't really know God. I was especially against Catholicism for some reason, cause I thought they worship Mary, and I felt sorry for them. I sometimes "shared my faith" with them because I wanted them to also know about the Gospel.

I loved my non denom. church. It was so hard to leave. And I see now that God did use it. I really grew there, and probably I was supposed to be there at the time. I loved the praise and worship and the pastor. But eventually, I started feeling sort of nervous and didn't have that peace inside. I noticed that some Bible verses were being taken out of context or ignored, and wondered if Communion is actually not supposed to be a symbol, but actually Christ's Body and Blood. I felt anxiety about this whenever I read John 6 cause it seemed to be saying the opposite of what I was taught. I also worried why it seemed that symbolic Communion was a fairly new idea, and all the early Church Fathers and even Martin Luther had believed in the Real Presence. I came across this one website that really made me think: http://www.miraclerosarymission.org/lanciano.html I asked God to show me the truth, but I knew I wasn't open to it. I strongly believed I needed to stay Protestant.

One day, I was reading something online about the Mass being the holiest moment of our lives...that it's a participation in heavenly worship with all the angels and Saints, and a spiritual participation in Calvary. And instantly, I just knew that this is the truth! I can't describe it. It was such a moment of clarity. I knew right then that this was my answer, and that God didn't want me to go to my old church anymore. He wanted me to believe that Christ is fully, substantially - not just spiritually -present in Communion (the Eucharist). That the bread and wine are entirely transformed into His risen Body and Blood at the Consecration. I started crying at that point cause I felt that I wouldn't be able to 'have a relationship with Him' as a Catholic or Orthodox. This was a big misunderstanding I had. I felt like He was asking me to choose between my relationship with Him and the Eucharist, and that He wanted me to choose the Eucharist! I couldn't believe it. I struggled for a couple of weeks. But eventually, I just couldn't struggle anymore and the truth was too obvious. I gave in, and decided to leave my church. This experience had a lasting effect on my soul because ever since then, even though I've doubted everything else, God in His mercy kept me from doubting the Eucharist.

Last January, I went back to the Orthodox church, went to Confession, and took Communion. I decided to be a good Orthodox. I still had a lot of things to work out. The way I worshipped and my beliefs were still very much Protestant. I especially struggled with Apostolic Succession. This continued for several months.

I took out some books about Orthodoxy from my university library, started researching some topics that interested me. I figured I'd look up some Catholic sources too, in an effort to be more of a 'traditional Christian'. I was also interested in Catholicism because I had met some devout Catholics at the time, whose faith inspired me. I quickly realized that the 2 churches had differences. I had never been to a Catholic church and only read about the doctrines. I started wondering about the Papacy a lot but couldn't believe in any of it. Neither could I believe in Orthodoxy. One day I realized, I'm technically Orthodox, but in my heart, I'm ..nothing. Not Protestant, not Orthodox, not Catholic. I felt so lost. I was in this in-between place for several months, just researching. Sometimes I went to the Orthodox church and prayed there. One time I went to a local Catholic church for Stations of the Cross, but didn't like it, cause I felt at the time that tradition was 'unspiritual'. I still attended Campus for Christ, but didn't attend church on Sundays. The only thing that helped was the idea that no matter what, I should just keep on trusting God. I mostly kept my conversion hidden because I was not sure about it myself. But some of my friends who knew about my doubts encouraged me to not give up, and I felt God wanted me to be patient and trust that in His time, He will show His will more clearly. I was confused about theology and felt like I only knew Christ, nothing else, but sometimes I wondered if my understanding of Him was all wrong. I'm so glad He never left me.

my conversion story - part 2

Then one day, I discovered a book called "Divine Mercy in My Soul" by St Faustina. I didn't care very much that it was Catholic. Something just drew me to it. I found out about the Divine Mercy chaplet and started praying it. Every time I prayed it, I felt such amazing peace. One time, I prayed it for my grandma who was in a hospital halfway across the world. The doctor sounded very skeptical on the phone and said she wouldn't make it past the night. I was praying the chaplet and some other people were praying too. In the morning, I found out that not only was she better, and awake, but could also talk, and her temperature, blood pressure, etc, were normal! I was so surprised. My prayer was not even very good, I'm sure this happened only by God's mercy. I bought that book and started reading it. And then, something began happening to me. Sometimes I'd be reading it and suddenly, I'd feel so much joy in my soul, and peace, and a deep sense of "rightness". It wasn’t just an emotion. I decided it's a grace. More than anything, it changed me. I felt like Jesus was speaking to my own soul when I read His words to St Faustina: "I am Love and Mercy itself.. My Heart overflows with great mercy for souls, and especially for poor sinners".. "Tell Me all, My child, hide nothing from Me, because My loving Heart, the Heart of your Best Friend, is listening to you". I felt called to trust in God more than I have ever before. I believe St Faustina was praying for me. One of the main messages of this book is that we should trust in God's mercy. Somehow, inside I knew God wanted me to go to confession for all my sins, and I felt a deep heaviness in my soul. But..I didn't know where to go, cause I wasn't Orthodox or Catholic, I still didn't know what I was.

I began to devote some of my time to researching. I wanted to find the truth, and prayed every day that I wouldn't be deceived. I read the Bible and realized how Biblical Catholicism really is.. I never thought it would be. Eventually, my beliefs started changing. This wasn't really the result of my studying, rather it was the result of prayer. The knowledge helped, but all it really did was confirm what I was experiencing in my soul. I realized that what I read in the Catholic Catechism, it made sense. The Papacy started making sense. The Immaculate Conception. Apostolic Succession. Purgatory. Ideas I never thought important became essential.

I began practicing some Catholic devotions and realized that instead of losing my relationship with God (as I once thought I would), it grew. God was giving me grace through everything I was learning. I don't really know how this happened, but nonetheless that's what God did. By this grace, I started caring about holiness - something I never thought much about, as a new Christian.. I wanted to live for God and sin less. I realized that I had largely ignored sin up to that point, and saw a little more clearly the state of my soul. For the first time, I began to feel drawn to things like reverence, humility, and penance. I don't really understand why God gave me this desire to live entirely for Him when He knows I'm unable to achieve it right now, and sees all the mistakes I make on a day to day basis, but I'm so glad He did, and maybe this was to humble me in a way.

I also read about the Saints and felt amazed at their love for God; I wanted to be more like them, and saw how much further I still need to go! I was still very confused but I also felt happy. When I went to the Orthodox church, I began liking it too, and I saw how it was never "dry and ritualistic"..I just wasn't ready for liturgy before. I started being more open to the possibility of being Orthodox after all. But I kept on praying, and my beliefs kept on changing to Catholic beliefs. Whenever this happened, I felt profound peace. One day I decided, I'm already Catholic in my heart!

My first Mass was the Easter Vigil Mass, and I loved it. It's funny, I already considered myself "Catholic", yet I had never been to a Mass till then! I see now that God had prepared me for it in advance, and drew me to traditional aspects of the faith so I could appreciate them more. I couldn't receive the Eucharist of course, so instead I got a blessing from the priest. And something really interesting happened when I got the blessing. I didn't expect anything at all. But all of a sudden it was as if I HAD received Communion. I felt the Lord inside my heart. I can't adequately describe this, but it felt like Jesus was embracing me in all His love and mercy. Later on, I found out about the Spiritual Communion prayer, and I think maybe that is what happened. God was giving me these consolations just to encourage me to keep going. He must have done this because He knows I can be very weak in faith - because of course when our faith is strong, we don't need any signs. I began going to Mass every week, and for the first 2 months or so this would always happen to me. I didn't seek it or expect it at all. The Saints, (for example St Teresa of Avila) warn us greatly to never seek any spiritual experiences. I'm just glad that the Eucharist is real. Spiritual Communion made me want to experience the real thing.

I finally saw how important the Eucharist is. Jesus is really physically present there, that it's not a "dead object" but really Him, although hidden...what amazing humility on His part! ...it is true that God is everywhere, but He is everywhere spiritually..Jesus is physically present only in two "places": Heaven, and the Eucharist. (He is one and the same in both). When we're at Mass, we're meeting Jesus in the same way that the Apostles had when He was on earth - except that He is risen from the dead and glorified!.

It's not mere bread and wine. When we receive the Eucharist, we become united with Him in a very real, powerful way. More so than through faith alone. We give ourselves to Him, as He gives Himself to us. It's like nothing else..it's such a gift. This is what I longed for and prayed for as a Christian, as a Protestant! And it's present in all Catholic churches. I began going to Adoration at my parish chapel (Adoration is silent prayer before the Eucharist). This helped me soo much!! I really recommend this to anyone, Catholic or non Catholic. The first time, I could barely stay for ten minutes, but the more I went, the better it got. At times, I felt so much love coming from Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament, more love than I've ever believed to be possible. I knew in my heart that Jesus was present there, present in a new and different way... It was like I had stumbled across a great secret, and wondered how I could have lived as a Christian without it for that long. All that time, He was hidden in the Tabernacle in the Catholic church down the street, and often all alone! The value of Adoration is just time being spent with Him - not so much about getting, or feeling anything, but just being there with Jesus. :) I read once that every hour we spend there makes our souls more beautiful for Heaven. The Saints were all so much devoted to it.

It also helped me find clarity of mind. My problems seemed so insignificant.. I began caring about God's will more, I asked to be surrendered to Him and for the only few times in my life, meant it. (surrender is something I'm definitely still working on though! ;)). He started teaching me how to love others more, and I saw that my own love had always been so small and so poor! One of the reasons I believe in Christ's real presence in the Eucharist is that a mere piece of bread can't change people, only God's grace can, and these times of Adoration changed me. I can only imagine what Communion is like!!! :D I can't wait to finally receive the Eucharist! I'm amazed that God changed me and my beliefs, despite myself, despite all my resistance and doubt.

my conversion story - part 3

This happened during the summer. Almost all my beliefs were already Catholic, and I was slowly discovering more and more about the Church. Up to this point, I really struggled with devotion to the Blessed Virgin Mary. I was afraid of idolatry but I also felt a strange dislike for her (I'm still not sure why, and I know although Protestants don't see Mary as Catholics do, they don't generally feel this hatred for her that I had). I begged God to change me and to show me more about her, because it was wrong to feel this way about His Mother. And He did answer this prayer.. I began loving Mary and even began asking her for prayers. I asked her to lead me to where Jesus wants me to be; the Catholic or the Orthodox church. I don't know how I realized this, and I don't (and can't) deserve it, but one day it came to me that Mary was always praying for me all my life and it was because of her prayers that I was baptized, and later came to faith. I'm very grateful that we have such a loving Mother in Heaven.

I also began believing in the intercession of Saints. This happened in a really curious way. I guess God knew that I needed a miracle! I was so resistant. In fact...the reason I believe it was God who made me Catholic, is because I was so resistant to this whole idea. Only He could have changed me. Many times, I didn't even want to be Catholic.. especially in the beginning. I felt so much fear about telling people, and I almost couldn't believe any of this was *really* happening! I remember one time I was on the bus, and realized that yes, one day I WILL in fact be Catholic. This realization felt so obvious. And all at once, I experienced intense fear, but also lots of joy, and this surprised me.

One day I got a book called "Story of a Soul" by St Therese of Lisieux. This is an amazing book!!! I never encountered such innocence and purity of heart in anyone as in this Saint. I quickly became devoted to her. But..there was one problem. I didn't believe that the Saints could hear us when we asked them for prayers. This was the only really remaining "Protestant" thing about me. I thought Mary could hear us, but they couldn't. I read that the early Church had believed this, but I still wasn’t convinced. I found out about a novena to St Therese (novena is a 9 day prayer). Before she died, she said that she will "send down a shower of roses" (meaning favours) from Heaven, and that she will spend her Heaven doing good on earth. Many people who asked her for prayers, were given actual roses as a sign of her intercession. I was extremely skeptical. I didn't expect anything. But..I said the novena anyway, and RIGHT WHEN I said it, I looked up and saw a whole vase full of pink roses right in front of me!!. I was shocked. It turned out my mom put them there. When I asked her why, she said, she just 'felt like it'. :) This sort of thing continued over the next few days or so. Right after saying the novena, I'd receive roses in the most interesting and obvious ways. For example, one time, before Mass, I looked up after saying the prayer and at that moment a little girl walked in front of me, and her dress was made of a fabric with lots of big red roses printed on it. Then, when I went for a dentist check up one day, I said the novena in the car.. and when I came into the office and sat down, I turned and saw a kleenex box (!!!) with pictures of roses on it, and it said "la petite rose". Well.. St Therese is called "the little flower", and she was French!!! eventually this stopped happening cause I think God wanted me to rely on faith. But I believe this "little miracle" took place to help me believe in the intercession of Saints.. that we really are surrounded by "the cloud of witnesses", and they love us and are praying for us. :) they are our friends in Heaven. We're all one in Christ and united by the Holy Spirit...it is the Spirit that makes this intercession possible. Asking them for prayers is a lot like asking our friends here on earth! I'm so grateful to St Therese for her prayers, and I know they've helped me so much.

As all this was happening, I felt more and more sure about my conversion. When I went to the Orthodox church, I had nothing against it, but I missed everything that I had found in the RCC. I wasn't running away from anything.. I liked Orthodoxy.. it was more like I was coming home to something else. I didn't see it as me "leaving the Orthodox church", but going from imperfect to perfect communion with the Catholic Church and the Pope.

Then, I started experiencing trials and tests of my faith. I see now that God was using them to help me grow..but I didn't know it at the time, I seriously thought something was wrong! I no longer felt anything during Mass or Adoration. Prayer and even my Spiritual Communions felt really dry (but I do not doubt that they were all real. God is there even when we can't feel Him). I also started getting lots of opposition to my conversion. Sometimes I wondered if God had abandoned me. I went through fear and doubt. Often I had to force myself to go to Mass, and felt like going back to my old churches, but I'm glad God didn't let me give up. The only thing that sustained me was God's grace and the prayers of my friends and our Blessed Mother, and the Saints. Sometimes I was even sure I was being spiritually attacked by the enemy. However, I know this too was God's will, because it taught me to not rely on my feelings so much. I've always been reliant on how I feel, but especially until this point. I often sought consolations from God. These trials showed me that it's a much better thing to learn to trust Him in spite of feelings and that our prayers are very pleasing to God when it's difficult for us to pray and we're not receiving any consolations, but choose to pray anyway! Love is a choice, not an emotion. Love is self giving. I began to learn about the value of suffering and how it can sanctify us if we offer it to God. I'm still learning, btw! ;)

In August, I contacted the priest of the Catholic parish I attended, and asked how I can become Catholic. He said I wouldn't need RCIA, cause I was already baptized and confirmed, and that I would only need to make a profession of faith, go to Confession, and take Communion. I will be doing this on Easter. I’m very excited to finally be able to receive the Eucharist in the Church! :D I also feel that I am coming Home.

During the past few months I continued to struggle with doubt and fear, but when I turned to God He would always give me peace. Some of my doubt was caused by my own distrust. And anyway, all the tests and struggles sort of prove to me that God was behind my conversion... cause whenever God tries to do something, the devil is always trying to stop it from happening. Recently, I finally stopped experiencing these doubts to a degree, and I think this is because I became more devoted to Our Lady. She has been helping me so much and I believe it is she who lead me to the Catholic Church.

Even though I'm still coming across obstacles, I have this deep confidence and peace in me that I'm meant to be Catholic. I asked God many times that He would take this away if it's not from Him. I can sincerely say that I tried to be open to Him, and now I trust that He'll bring me to the end of my journey and I'll be received into the Church on Easter. After this, I hope to grow as a Catholic and continue learning to love God with all my heart, as I wanted to ever since I became a Christian. The Church offers so many great ways for any person to grow in holiness :) after all it has produced Saints! I also hope to explore more of the Church by going to Latin Mass, and Divine Liturgy of the Eastern rites. I am ending one journey but beginning another, and I feel I still have so far yet to go. Until the day we enter into eternity, we are "working out our salvation with fear and trembling".

I like the Orthodox church and respect it a lot. I think its liturgy is beautiful and it contains much truth. If I wasn't becoming Catholic, I'd be happy to be Orthodox. However if I was to be Orthodox now, it wouldn't be out of a sense of obedience to God.

Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, and He gave Himself to the Church... and I believe that the truth lies in its fullness in Catholicism. This has been confirmed to me not only by my experience (which I tried to explain here), but also by all the research I’ve done on the Bible and Church history. St Peter is the 'rock' upon which the Church is built, and the Pope is his successor. This doesn’t mean the Church is perfect, of course it is made up of imperfect people and has a human element to it. But although the devil is trying to destroy it, it is still standing strong, and the "gates of hell will not overcome it", as Christ promised. I believe that all its doctrines are correct and contain no error. This is what matters most of all; what the truth is. It might seem like a huge statement - to say that the Church teaches no error - but I do believe that God protects it by His grace.

When I look back on my life so far, I see that God has always been with me, even before I knew Him. He was guiding me along this path of grace, often without me realizing it, and He has always been very merciful to me, though I am a sinner. I don't know why He chose to reveal Himself to me in these ways, and I feel unworthy of this, but I hope that this Easter, He will lead me home safely to His Catholic Church. I pray that His will would be done.

Thanks so much for reading! God bless you!! :)

"Let all my desires, even the holiest, noblest and most beautiful, take always the last place and Your holy will, the very first." (St Faustina)












UPDATE

since writing this blog post, i have become Catholic on Easter Vigil 2009 :)
i'm so thankful to God for guiding me here, it has been incredible receiving the Eucharist and i'm so excited to finally be in the Catholic Church! i'm looking forward to growing in my faith and learning more about it. last winter when i started this journey, i had no idea that God had all these plans!! His ways are truly NOT like our ways and He knows exactly what we need...He always guides us according to His will if we are willing to follow, even a little bit.

each Christian has something unique they love about their faith, and for me that would have to be the Eucharist. it's awesome and unbelievable how Jesus unites Himself to us in this Sacrament. i heard it described as the "Sacrament of Love" and it truly is that... this is what i've always wanted as a Christian, i just didn't know i'd have to find it in the Catholic Church! i've also gotten to know our Blessed Mother better over these last few months, and i'm SO thankful that God gave us such a wonderful loving Mother...she deserves our love and devotion. what i also love about the Church is the Sacrament of Reconciliation. the first time i went, i was so nervous cause i had a lifetime of sin to confess. But afterwards, it was like a HUGE burden was finally lifted off my shoulders, and i felt so free, and clean inside. what a gift! God's mercy is truly endless and made manifest in a special way in Confession. Thank You Jesus for leading me to Your holy Church!

My story about Mary

When I was a Protestant I always used to say that "I don't need Mary". Of course, if we have God, we have everything! That is very true. But He gave to us His Mother and people to help us along in our journey, Christian brothers and sisters and Saints and priests and the Pope. I think now that what I said before came not from my Protestantism but from pride, as I didn't want to admit that I need Mary in any way, but...now I see that I do. If it wasn't for her obedience to God, we wouldn't have Jesus, cause there would be no Incarnation. But also, without Mary, I wouldn't know Him the way I do. Just as she brought the Son of God into the world, she brings Him into our hearts as well. God could have chosen to fulfill His plan of salvation without her, but as it is, He chose to give her an important role.

When I was first looking into Catholicism, I knew that this would be an obstacle I'd have to overcome. At times - and I'm ashamed to say this - I actually felt a hatred for Our Lady. Not for the Catholic view of her especially but just Mary herself. I remember as a kid reading a book that my family's Orthodox priest gave us, and it had a paragraph about Mary's obedience and love for God...and I didn't really understand much about God back then, but I remember really liking her and thinking that it would be great to be more like her. But for some reason later on, I started to have strong negative feelings towards Mary. This was accentuated by my belief that Catholics and Orthodox worshipped her. One day, my dad brought me a Catholic calendar with pictures of Mary, and said, "I thought you’d like this!". Hesitantly, I took it, but in my mind I was thinking, "why do Catholics only think about Mary, not about God!" the quotes by the Saints in the calendar angered me too. It seemed they were giving her almost divine power and authority. I feel so bad now that I was so disrespectful and unloving towards Our Lady.

When I began my journey into the Catholic Church, I surrendered my thoughts and feelings to God and asked Him to help me love Mary, and to show me the truth about her. Eventually, I found myself believing in the Immaculate Conception and the Assumption, and even defending her titles - such as Mother of God, Queen of Heaven, etc. I was very puzzled by some of them at first, but God slowly helped me understand. He was very patient with me through all this. Finally, I saw that none of her titles contradict the Bible, but can be found in Scripture and supported by it (for example, "Queen of Heaven" refers to the Queen Mother in the Old Testament). I was very surprised that God had answered my prayer so quickly. I also began to believe in the apparitions of Mary at Lourdes and Fatima.

Another thing I struggled with is that I was afraid that Mary (and everything else in Catholicism) would distract me from God. I wondered..why do I need all this stuff? (Mary, Saints, novenas, relics, statues, incense, ETC). A friend shared with me something that really helped. Everything in the Church points towards Christ, who is glorified in His creation and in His Saints. In the New Jerusalem, nothing would distract us from God because it would all be glorifying Him... and haven't Christians been inspired to praise God when they saw the beautiful things He's made, like the stars or nature. In the same way, everything in Catholicism only brings us closer to Christ and helps us to worship Him.

Sometime around February, I went to a store and bought a rosary. My initial reason for getting it was to pray the Divine Mercy chaplet. But on an impulse, I also bought a booklet about praying the Holy Rosary. I remember feeling very excited about all this but I didn’t want anyone to know. I was a non denom Protestant, I went to a non denom Protestant church, and sometimes even ‘shared’ my faith with Catholics! So I kept my rosary to myself; in my coat pocket, and didn’t tell anyone I bought it. It was my great secret.

One day, I decided to try actually praying the Rosary. I was so nervous because I didn’t want to offend God, and I asked Him to forgive me if I’m doing something wrong. But after about a minute, this amazing peace came over me, and ever since then I’ve had no real doubts about this prayer. I got the distinct impression that both Jesus and Mary were listening to me together, and that there was no competition between them at all. How can there be competition between Christ and His Mother who loves Him and only ever does His will? I didn’t know how I was going to pray such a LONG prayer, but I enjoyed it. The next time I prayed it, I got a fuller understanding of the Mysteries. Somehow, they really went together with the Hail Mary’s. I can’t really explain it.. But I was praising God for Mary and for the "blessed fruit of [her] womb, Jesus", as I was lead by her into a greater understanding of the events of Sacred Scripture. When I reflected on the Sorrowful Mysteries, I thought of how it was like for Mary to see her Son in so much pain...for some reason, it all started becoming more real to me. Not just words in the Bible but actual events that happened. It’s like with the Hail Mary’s, I was talking to Our Lady about the events that brought about our redemption, and she was teaching me more about them.

Finally, God answered my prayer to love Mary more. All the negative feelings towards her vanished. She was now my spiritual Mother too. Almost despite myself, I finally began to love her. I remember praying and just telling her that I love her, in really simple words, that came from my heart. I don’t know how this happened, and I was very surprised. Praise God! I even cut out the pictures from the calendar and put them around my room. lol! But recently, I saw how little I actually love our Blessed Mother and that really, we can't love her enough!

When I hear people saying really horrible things about Mary...it’s very sad. It’s like the devil put those lies into the world because he knows how powerful Mary is. (Of course, not by her own power, but by her being full of grace from God.) She’s the exact opposite of the devil..they’re both creatures, but she is perfectly humble and obedient to God, and the devil is characterized by pride and disobedience. How he must hate her, knowing that God exalted a simple human woman above all the angels!

While I was researching about the Church, I came across something interesting in a book (the Secret of the Rosary by St Louis de Montfort) - that apparently every time we say a Rosary devoutly, it’s kind of like we’re making Mary a crown of roses. Each ‘Hail Mary’ is a rose. These roses are not like earthly flowers, and they'll never fade. And that’s sort of the way I look at it...each time I say the prayer, it’s like I’m giving Mary a beautiful rose and saying - dear Mother, I love you and please pray for me to Jesus.

In the past when I thought of Heaven, Mary was never in the picture. I didn't care too much about meeting her. But now I think it would be so awesome, I'd be very glad to meet her one day and she's not only another Christian but she’s the Mother of God and deserves respect and veneration. More than anything, what I learned about Mary is that she leads us closer to Christ (and Christ, of course, as the Mediator, brings us to the Father and gives us salvation). I think a GREAT thing to ask her is to help understand Jesus better. She would definitely answer this, because she so wants us to love her Son and she glorifies Him in all she does. And because she loves Him like no other person has loved Him...she can teach us a lot about the First Commandment.

She also loves what He loves, which is us. She wants to see us saved. If we are truly devoted to Mary, she takes all our efforts to know and worship Jesus and perfects them, takes away anything that is corrupt or unworthy, and helps us be better followers of Him. Our relationship with Jesus grows when we find our relationship with Mary and learn to know her.

She is so happy when we love Jesus!! It brings her joy. That is her desire, that ALL would love Him and bring Him glory. She brings Him glory herself by her worship and all her work and intercession. She is the one person in this world who always lived entirely for Him, ever since her birth. God saved Mary, by Christ's merits, right at her conception.

I think that it’s also a great idea to ask Mary to help us advance in humility and obedience, and in these virtues we most imitate her. She obtains these graces for us by her intercession to God. Actually, I used to be repeatedly tempted with a terrible sin for many years - and nothing I did helped.. I prayed a lot, but still fell again and again. But when I asked Mary to help me overcome the sin, the prayer was answered right that second and I haven’t given in to this sin since!! I believe that she prayed for me to God and her prayers are more powerful than mine so they were answered. It's true that God hears everybody, but as it says in Scripture: "the prayer of a righteous man avails much". Mary, being full of grace, is perfectly righteous, and has found great favour with God. Actually, it is incredibly humbling to realize that there is someone who is always ‘above us’ spiritually. Someone whose prayers will always be more effective than ours. Someone who will always have more glory in Heaven. It builds humility to admit this truth and to embrace it. And then to actually rejoice in it, to rejoice in Mary’s glory, because it is God’s will, and to not be envious of it. How wonderful it is to be like a little child before Mary, who was given to us as our Mother!

A while ago I read about a Catholic devotion called the Miraculous Medal. It’s based on an apparition of Mary to St Catherine Laboure. There are many promises attached to it. At first I didn’t believe it and worried that it’s superstitious, but as God helped me understand sacramentals - that they’re not like magic, but are merely occasions of His grace (like the mud Christ used to heal the blind man) - I began to really believe in it. I felt a lot of joy whenever I thought about this devotion. Eventually I started really wanting a Miraculous Medal of my own, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to afford one. I spent a week looking around and couldn’t find anything. Then, one evening, I told Our Lady: "dear Mother, I think the Miraculous Medal is from you, and I really believe in it... But I can’t afford it, and if it’s God’s will for me to have one, could you please provide me with one somehow?" - and the next day, a friend offered me a medal, though she did not know I was looking for it. Now I have a little Miraculous Medal from Mary and I got it blessed by my priest. :) I still can't really believe the way the prayer was answered!

One book that really helped me understand Mary is "True Devotion" by St Louis de Montfort. It’s a pretty challenging book, IMO, and when I first started reading the teachings of this Saint, I couldn’t understand them at all. I worried about committing idolatry. He speaks so highly of her! Only later, I saw that whatever respect we give to Mary, she gives it to God. When we say "Mary", she answers: "Jesus". I saw that this is not worship; that Catholics only worship God, no one else. Whatever we give to Mary, out intention is that she would perfect it and give to Jesus, - He is the end of our Marian devotion, not Mary herself :) her spirit glorifies the Lord! And just as she said, "Do whatever He tells you" in Scripture, in the same way she is STILL pointing us towards Jesus today. Her mission is not over. She is our Mother and is praying for us and helping us :)

There is a beautiful quote from the lives of one of the Saints.. St Gemma Galgani. She was priveledged to see and converse with Jesus, her Guardian Angel, St Gabriel Possenti, and Mary. She loved Jesus so much and was always so humble. Here is an excerpt from a book about her and the account of how she saw Mary one time... in this revelation, we can see that Mary TRULY points us to Jesus :) Whenever I read this, I am touched because it is so beautiful.

"Whoever could have imagined," thus she wrote "that this evening my dear Mother would have come to see me? It was not even to be thought of because I believed that my bad conduct would prevent it. Yet she had compassion on me. Her presence quickly put me in a state of recollection, and then, as often happens, I lost my senses, and I found myself, I think, with Our Lady of Sorrows. Oh, what happiness! What sweetness of heart I felt during those wonderful moments! Let whoever can, explain it. It seemed to me, after some moments of emotion, that she took me in her lap and made me rest my head on her shoulder and keep it there for a short time. My heart during that time felt perfectly happy and con­tented without any other desire. "Do you love only me?" she asked me now and then. "Oh, no!" I answered her, "before You I love someone else." "And who is it?" She said, pre­tending not to know. "It is one so dear to me! More dear than all else. I love Him so much that I would now, this moment, give my life for Him; for His sake I regard not my life." "But tell me, who is it?" she asked me "If You, Mother, had come the evening before last, You would have seen Him with me. I instead go to Him every day [she meant in Holy Communion], and I would go more often if I could. But do You know Mother," I continued, "why I do so? Because I know that He wishes to see, by His keeping so far away from me, if I am capable of ceasing to love Him. But quite the contrary, the farther He keeps away, the more I feel drawn to Him! And she repeated: "Tell me, who is He?" "No," I replied, "I won't tell thee. If only You have seen Him, Mother! He is like Thee in beauty; His hair is the color of Yours." Mother, then embracing me, seemed to say again: "But my child, tell me of whom are you speaking." I then exclaimed aloud, "Do You not understand me? Of Jesus, I speak of Jesus." "Repeat it still louder," she said. Then, smiling, she looked at me and pressed me closely to herself, saying, "Yes, love Him, but love Him greatly; Listen well! Love Him alone!" "Don't be afraid," I said to her, "no one in the world shall taste my affections! Jesus alone." Again she pressed me to her; she seemed to kiss me on the forehead. Then I awoke [meaning that she came out of the ecstasy], and I found myself stretched on the floor with the crucifix near me."

If you are interested more in St Gemma, here is a GREAT website about her and here is the link to a page containing her prayers to God, which are SO beautiful: http://www.stgemmagalgani.com/2008/12/words-of-love-to-god.html

As I was reading one of de Montfort’s books.. "the Secret of Mary".. I was overcome by anxiety that I was doing something wrong. That morning, I asked God to show me the truth about Mary, and I also asked St Louis de Montfort to pray for me. I spent the day thinking about other things. In the evening, I was just starting to pray the Rosary, and suddenly, as I was praying the Hail Mary, it was as if I "met" Mary. God allowed me to feel her presence in a way, for the first time. I didn’t think this was even possible! I can’t really describe it.. All I can say is that she is so loving and gentle. It was so sweet and wonderful being near her. She loves all her children so tenderly and holds them close to her Immaculate Heart. I almost couldn't believe this happened afterwards, because I am so unworthy of it.

But the cool thing is, at that very moment, de Montfort’s book suddenly made sense!! I began to agree with the ideas. I think that in order to understand Mary's role in the Church, and in our lives, it's important to know and love her - at least to want to love her. It comes from the heart, not only the mind. "True Devotion" is so deep, almost like the Gospels.. Every time I read particular chapters of it, I always learn something new. Personally, I think it’s a teaching from Heaven. But I had to read it slowly and prayerfully to understand what it is saying.

So that’s my story about Mary :) I hope to learn more about her and to love her more in my life, and to pray the Rosary often. I usually don’t share about these experiences but I thought maybe they’d help somebody. If you’re reading this and aren’t sure about Mary and the Rosary...try asking God to show you the truth about her, and be open to whatever He might say. :) it’s very much worth it. I think the more ‘Marian’ we become, the closer we come to Christ! If we dislike or avoid Mary, like I did before, in my opinion that is an insult to Jesus her Son. To quote St Therese of Lisieux: "Do not be afraid to love the Blessed Virgin too much. You can never love her enough. And Jesus will be very happy, because the Blessed Virgin is His Mother."

"It is the nature of Jesus Christ to lead us to the Father. In the same way, it is the nature of the Blessed Virgin to lead us surely to Jesus" (St Louis de Montfort)

"Let all hearts give themselves to Mary so that she will fill them with her Heart and the Heart of Jesus!" (St John Eudes)

"The Blessed Virgin never committed any actual sin - not even a venial one. Otherwise, she would not have been a Mother worthy of Jesus. The Son would have shared the ignominy of the Mother, for He would have had a sinner for His Mother" (St Thomas Aquinas)

"How beautiful you are in the soul and resplendent in body, Mary, my Mother. In this world, the Blessed Virgin was poor and unknown, but in Heaven, she is glorious and beautiful, the Queen of Angels." (St Anthony of Padua).

"When we speak the name of Mary, Heaven becomes more beautiful, and earth rejoices. The demons are terrified, and vanish like dust in the wind." (St Francis of Assisi)

"Those who want to prevent their heart from being pervaded by the evils of earth should entrust it to the Blessed Virgin, our Lady and our Mother. They will then regain it in Heaven, freed from all evils." (St Francis de Sales).

"Virgin full of grace, I know that at Nazareth you lived modestly, without requesting anything more. Neither ecstasies, nor miracles, nor other extraordinary deeds enhanced your life, O Queen of the elect. The number of the lowly, “the little ones,” is very great on earth. They can raise their eyes to your without any fear. You are the incomparable Mother who walks with them along the common way to guide them to heaven. Beloved Mother, in this harsh exile, I want to live always with you and follow you every day. I am enraptured by the contemplation of you and I discover the depths of the love of your heart. All my fears vanish under your motherly gaze, which teaches me to weep and to rejoice! Amen. "
(St Therese of Lisieux)